In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter. The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the shop, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.
So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him. So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!".
After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?".
To this the boy said, "I come from Mexico. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!".
The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Mexico".
To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"
Moral: Believe in your presence of mind and never panic!!!!!!!!
enjoy the story......nice one..........!!
Upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0
Complaint from user...!!!
SUB : Upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0
Dear Tech Support Team
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall ' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User "
REPLY:
What if u upgraded Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support)..
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWith Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Be attentive!!!!!
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, Stuck his finger in the butt of the dead pig, withdrew it and stuck his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his
Students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead pig And sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle Finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention..
Life's Tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.
Waterfall Model
FOR ALL who don't know the Soft. Engg. WATERFALL MODEL…
Simplicity at it's best…
SOFTWARE ENGINEERING - WATERFALL MODEL
Zeros and Ones have changed many of there life's. --Just try this... its sooooooooo nice
Hi friends,
Just try this….. its sooooooooo nice
111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
111001111100110011000000001100111110011111110011111100110000000011001111001111111111111101111111111111111111111
111001111100110011000000001100111110011111111001111001110000000011001111001111111111111000111111111111111111111
111001111100110011001111111100111110011111111100110011110011110011001111001111111111110010011111111111111111111
111001101100110011000000001100000000011111111110000111110011110011001111001111111111100111001111111111111111111
111001000100110011000000001100000000011111111111001111110011110011001111001111111111000000000111111111111111111
111000010000110011111111001100111110011111111111001111110011110011001111001111111110000000000011111111111111111
111000111000110011000000001100111110011111111111001111110000000011001111001111111100111111111001111111111111111
111001111100110011000000001100111110011111111111001111110000000011000000001111111001111111111100111111111111111
111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
110011111001111111110111111111000000001100000000110011111100111111110011111001100000000110011111001111111111111
110011111001111111100011111111000000001100000000111001111001111111110001111001100000000110011111001111111111111
110011111001111111001001111111001111001100111100111100110011111111110000111001100111111110011111001111111111111
110000000001111110011100111111000000001100000000111110000111111111110010011001100000000110011011001111111111111
110000000001111100000000011111000000001100000000111111001111111111110011001001100000000110010001001111111111111
110011111001111000000000001111000111111100111111111111001111111111110011100001100111111110000100001111111111111
110011111001110011111111100111001111111100111111111111001111111111110011110001100000000110001110001111111111111
110011111001100111111111110011001111111100111111111111001111111111110011111001100000000110011111001111111111111
111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
111001111110011000000001111111110111111111000000001111111100000001100000000110000000011999999991111111111111111
111100111100111000000001111111100011111111000000001111111100000000100111100110011110011991111991111111111111111
111110011001111001111111111111001001111111001111001111111111111100100011100110001110011991111991111111111111111
111111000011111000000001111110011100111111000000001111111111111001100101100110010110011999999991111111111111111
111111100111111000000001111100000000011111000000001111111111110011100110100110011010011999999991111111111111111
111111100111111001111111111000000000001111001001111111111111001111100111000110011100011111111991111111111111111
111111100111111000000001110011111111100111001100111111111100000000100111100110011110011111111991111111111111111
111111100111111000000001100111111111110011001111001111111100000000100000000110000000011999999991111111111111111
111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
Step to follow: Paste the content to notepad, Use replace all (Ctrl + H)
and replace 1 with _ (Under score),
then u can see the magic…!
Zeros and Ones have changed many of there life's. A single zero has no
value/meaning but a collection of the same has it.
Note: if alignment is not proper, then use these
1. Font-Name=Lucida Console
2. Font-Style=Regular
3. Font-size=3
So you think English is easy?
Maybe this is why them latino folks don't learn English????
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS:
- Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this:
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'.
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.......... it is time to shut UP!
Oh. one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U-P.
Cell phones - New Law
According to a proposed new law that would go into effect Jan 1, 2009 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a 'hands free' adapter. I went to Circuit City and they wanted $150 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot. These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him $0.08 each because he bought in quantity. Then we tried it with Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly. A photo is shown below so take a look and let me know if you want one. Also, forward this to anyone you know, who has a cell phone, and who may want one!
Appraisal Note – Good One
Mr. X, my colleague and neighbor can always be found
hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Mr. X never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Mr. X is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that he can be
classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Mr. X be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
How to kill a lion?
ICICI method :
Hire a lion give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary.
Restructure his job, position, boss, colleagues, designation, location
every 6 months. Remove all lions above 40 from the organization or
rename them "Goats ". If he kills 2 goats a day, give him target of
killing 20 elephants a day, when there are just 10 elephants in the jungle.
Lion dies of exhaustion, overkill and restructuring
HDFC method :
Hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat. Give him lots of ESOPs and
grass to eat. He will die eventually of hope and starvation.
CITI Bank method :
Hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't
score > 60% he will lose the job. Ask him to extract 60 kg meat out of a
40 kg goat. Lion dies of the strain?
ABN AMRO method:
Hire the lion. Give him high impossible targets and expect a premature
delivery of these targets. If the targets are delivered, clap for him in
a Town hall and if not delivered humiliate him regularly. Lion either
dies of excitement or starts behaving like Tom Hanks in Terminal.
IDBI method :
Hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...Show him suspense thriller
"Reverse merger of your Jungle - Part III" the lion dies before joining....
StanChart method :
Hire a lion, motivate him to outshine other lions in the jungle. Load
him with impractical targets and if he finds the prey ensure jackals in
the jungle snatch the prey and credit. Lion dies in oblivion......
Kotak method :
Hire a lion, load him with targets to focus on value instead of volume.
Every quarter change the style and make his life miserable. If he
survives in the system reward him with a hefty bonus else if he leaves
profit of the bank improves along with EPS?
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